Just the Facts...
According to Bob!!!
The World According to Bob
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we
get married, have a
baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and
we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have
teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that
stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets
his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice
vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now,
when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit
this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
One of my favorite quotes
comes from Alfred D Souza. He said...
"For a long time it had seemed to me that
life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in
the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business,
time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin.
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to
happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have.
And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special
enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one...
So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to
you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until
your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you
get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning,
until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare,
until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink,
until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that
there is no better time than right now to be happy...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Thought for the day:
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
Signs that Childhood is Over
* Just one peanut butter and
jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
* Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
* The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
(Neither does the average 50-year old)
* Being bad is no longer cool.
* You have friends who have kids.
* Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
* You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
* Your parents' jokes are now funny.
* Christmas starts to make you mad.
* Naps are good.
* Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
* When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't
* When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
* Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.
* The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
* You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
* Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
* You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
* You WANT clothes for Christmas.
* You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
* You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
* You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
* You read the "if you were born on this day in 1976 you are of legal
age to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high
school dance on that date.
* You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store,
wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and
then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
Bumper Stickers We'd Like to
Jesus is coming, everyone look
Horn broken, watch for finger.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
I will give up my gas-guzzler when they blow out brains in a
First Hillary, then Jennifer, then Paula, then Monica...Now You!
Give him a break; would you sleep with Hillary?
Fly the Friendly Skies ....
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny,
and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was
cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to
help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could
hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout
the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United
agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** you." Without flinching, she
smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that,
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was
cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
Here's a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign
When Braniff translated a slogan
touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually
stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the german market, they were chagrined to
learn that the german pronunciation of "v" is f - which in german is the
gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that
"Puff" in german is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too
fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means
"it doesn't go" in Spanish.
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their
slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese
really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when
pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters
used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters
that mean "Happiness in the mouth."
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron,
into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use
for the manure stick.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as
here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa,
companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't
More from other sources:
U.S. cosmetics firm Clinique pulls a print ad for its Elixir perfume after Thailand's
government (the foreign ministry) sent a letter of protest to the company complaining the
ad was "an insult" to Buddhists. The perfume ad, which ran in Vogue and other
U.S. fashion magazines, depicts a snake crawling over the head of an image of the lord
Buddha (note: in Thailand, the head is the most revered part of the body). Clinique
has reportedly pulled the ad and sent a letter of apology to the Thai ambassador in
Washington, in which it expressed "shock to hear about the possible negative
perceptions that would be put on this picture." Interestingly, the ad campaign ran
only in the USA and caused global problems.
How about a Scandinavian Company calling their toilet paper CRAPP (In the British
Environment - well?)
UK based machine company introducing a new model of what is referred to in
the US as a drill press gave it the UK designation . . . "screwing machine".
Here's one from Finland, Canon (I'm not sure about the brand) has a camera called
EOS. Finns that are in marketing research use 'EOS' as an acronym for 'I cannot say' or 'I
don't know', in finnish 'en osaa sanoa'.
'Irish Mist' Irish whiskey marketed in Germany, where Mist is an alternative word for
Toyota MR2 marketed in France where it is pronounced "emm err deux",
which is a near homonym for "emmerde", which means dung (manure).
It is now marketed as simply MR.
Brand confusion: Durex is the best selling brand of condoms in the UK and a popular
brand of adhesive tape in Australia. Watch out for confused Aussies in England and
So the next time you make an error on the job, think about the
people that made these decisions... now, how bad is your mistake?
Conover Production is proud to
have helped the public understand some of these very important facts of life, that you
would never have known....without television or the movies!
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building you want without
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist
trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause
no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at that precise moment.
If you Find....
If you find a turtle sitting on a fence post,
you can pretty much bet he didn't get there by himself! (Secretary of Commerce
to President Clinton at the Malcome Baldridge Awards, 12-19-97)
What I've learned. . . .
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in
a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries
when we sing "Silent Night". Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country,
they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you
should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I
like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm
secretly glad my parents are strict. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing
than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of
life's great pleasures. Age 29
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst
drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind
about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly
but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply
sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of
guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others.
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural
allies. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my
spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the
side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the
way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost
luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with
your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing
as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive
for your children, try to improve your marriage.
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second
chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a
catchers mitt on both hands; you need to be able to
throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will
elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs
of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the
very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with
kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And
to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have
to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and
touch someone. People love that human touch-holding
hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Please pass this on to someone you care about.
Sometimes they just need a little something to make
them smile... :o)